Monday, May 19, 2014

Life on Repeat

I love reruns. Back in the day when we had actual TV and not this streaming stuff, if a "Friends" rerun came on, I was in heaven. Especially if it was the one with "Chanandler Bong." ("That's MISS Chanandler Bong!")

So this works out really well because MY LIFE IS A RERUN, PEOPLE.

Not only do I say the same exact things every single day, I sometimes say the same exact things every 15 minutes.

"Hang up your towel."

(Beloved Readers, you could be forgiven if you mistakenly thought our towels are in fact made out of burning hot fabric with poisoned tips that instantly melt your face off, a la Bad Nazi Guy from "Raiders." Because that is how loathe my children are to pick them up from the floor.)

"Put your pencils in your pencil case." This is after the half hour spent sharpening, breaking, and re-sharpening these pencils. So the pencils can be all ready for school, see. Guess where these pencils are 15 minutes later? Did you say in the pencil case? ARE YOU EVEN PAYING ATTENTION, EVEN A LITTLE? No, they remain uselessly on the counter. The sharpest, uselessest pencils ever.

"Do your reading." Oh, did you think I said "Lay on the floor zooming tiny cars in a circle and then wander off to your bed to lie down for a bit and then examine a dead fly on the mirpeset?" You're right, I see how that can be confusing. "DO YOUR READING."

"Brush your teeth." Did you brush your teeth? "Brush your teeth!" Still not? "BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!!!!!!!!!!" (Yes, there are a lot of CAPS in a rerun life).

"BuckleUpCloseTheDoorPutYourBowlInTheSinkDon'tLeaveDirtySocksOnTheCouch" x10

[Child's question]
"Still no"
"Still no and now I'm angry."
"No! Don't make me sing the song."
I sing the song. I don't know about you, but I actually feel a little better now.

"Take your bath."
"Yes, you have to."
"No you can't take one tomorrow night instead. You smell."
"There's no way you can get out of this. Take your bath!"
"Now! Yes you need soap! TAKE YOUR BATH!"

And when you're done ... hang up your towel.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Facebook is for Snarkers; Or, Get Off My Facebook!

I believe Facebook is for wit and snark. A place to entertain the masses. To make fun of stuff, mostly yourself.

However, there seem to be those who think otherwise. I call them, simply, Happy Cheerful People

Happy Cheerful People, I love you. I really do. It's people like you who make the world go round instead of imploding in a mushroom cloud of smirks and eyerolls. But I beg of you, take it elsewhere. At first I thought there should be a new Facebook for peppy people with eternally smiley children. But then my friend pointed out: "They already HAVE their own Facebook. It's called Instagram. And Pinterest!" So true. Pinterest: Facebook for the chipper, creative types.

So, please, get off my Facebook if you ever:

Have morning dance parties with your children

Refer to your offspring as "my happy little helpers," with accompanying photos of the beautiful food you managed to make with said helpers. My helpers just crack egg all over the counter.

Frequently make use of the little hearts, or the words "amazeballs" and "ridonkulous."

Wish a happy birthday/anniversary to "the best husband ever." (Oh MAN! You mean I got stuck with the second-rate husband? Not fair! And anyway, we all know now that George Clooney is the best husband ever, so game over.)

Were taking selfies at the beach or pool the Friday before Pesach, while I was elbow deep in my fridge, with the contents of my kitchen on display for the entire world to see. (5 open bags of rice cakes? And 3 jars of rosemary? I don't even use rosemary! Really, us? Why?) Or maybe I was toothpicking my sink. Or perhaps scrubbing dried milk and cereal bits off chair legs. Whatever. Know what I wasn't doing? Taking selfies at the beach.

Use the words "precious" "my loves" or "angels," in a non-sarcastic manner, to refer to your children.

Post pictures of homemade meals that required more than three steps (and "serve" counts as a step)

Post pictures of homemade clothing.

Actually, anything you made yourself belongs on Pinterest. Go there, my people, be with your own kind and your Mason jars and corks and dinner ideas that don't include the word "frozen" and strips of felt and like, ideas.

Use the phrase "Nothing like...." Because you will contradict yourself within the next 24 hours with the next thing that there is "nothing like."

Post about how your children requested your organic kale, bean + tofu bake for dinner ... again!

Post pictures of your set table and dressed children more than 30 minutes before start of chag.

Compare your Hawaiian vacation to your Caribbean vacation and crowdsource about where you should go next. Especially if you also post accompanying pictures of your toes.

Freely post pictures of your children in your living room/kitchen/dining room, because you aren't embarrassed about all the stuff that will appear in the background of picture: POCs and scattered remains of art projects and a squished Chess box and Legos and foil pans you haven't put away yet and the challah cover that's still out and Mt. Laundry. Why aren't you embarrassed? Because they're not there. I'm sorry, we can't be friends.

Have frequent meaningful teachable moments. "Every day is a learning opportunity!" Just, no.

Write about the awesome science/cooking/art project you did with your children that actually worked out. Here's one of ours:

Write, "Little Brady practically toilet trained himself! Bye-bye diapers!"

Badmouth TV, accompanied by a picture of your child playing with a stick or ball of dirt or a crumpled up piece of paper or his toes, and write, "Imaginative play at work! Who needs TV?"

Loyal Readers, what would you add to this list?